Repost: On the Cusp of something Bigger

Yesterday, was the last day of my placement, and technically, the last day of my academic career. Approximately 18 years of my life, have been devoted to academic education. Eighteen years straight. The day before I started university, I quietly wrote to myself in my room (the last night in my room as a permanent resident) about how I was hedging on a new part of my life, and how I got there.

Oh, there was so much I didn't know. So much I had to learn. And I couldn't possibly have fathomed that I would meet someone like Phil, who lit up my life like a yellow sun that drowns out all the stars. Teenage fickleness be damned- I've now been with him for over four years, and I regret nothing.

So now I write to myself again, in wonderment of the life that now lays out before me. The possibilities, the directions. Yesterday I had a job interview, which is something I'm not as good at as I should be, but I did my best. Throughout the interview, I kept thinking, "I'm not qualified for this, I'm not qualified for this..." and when I went Judith's to wrap up, I was sure I was going to get a bad review. I didn't. When I asked her about where my strongest skills lie, she was a lot more positive than I expected. She just said that the stuff I was weak in was stuff that could only be learned through experience- and I'm a newb in the field, so that was sort of okay. She also suggested that I should know myself as a writer, and what works best for my craft, and work around that- don't try to write in the morning when you write best at night, etc. It made me feel a lot better, and realized that my paranoia was just that- paranoia.

Paranoia is a funny thing. It is a certainty that springs from uncertainty and lack of knowledge. Don't trust it. It is always easier, and better in the long run, to just ask the question you're dying to ask, and be done with it.

So, I'm not going to say something overly-dramatic like, "this the first day of the rest of my life", because it's not. Life has already begun. Life is living. I should just do it the best way I can. (and stop waxing philosophical about, because it probably makes people nausious)
----------------------------------------------------
Sept. 3, 2000
Well, this is it....this is the last night I'll be sitting alone in this room- writing to myself the same way. By tomorrow night, I will officially be out of the nest.
Today Michelle and I found a little bird. We could tell by it's markings it was young, probably just out of the nest. We couldn't figure out which tree it was from. The little bird just sat, clinging to the grass on the ground, even as we tried to pull into our hands. After we had picked it up, we poked it and prodded it but it refused to fly. After a while, we noticed the bird would spread it's wings ever so slightly when it thought it was in danger of a fall. We realized that he wasn't going to try otherwise, so we dropped him. As soon as our hands were removed, the little bird spread his wings and flew off like a shot, as though he knew exactly where he was going. Sometimes we need to lose that footing to realize our wings are there.
I hope I discover my wings tomorrow. It's useless to cling to the ground all my life, so I will be dropping myself and testing myself. I'm definetely scared, but that fear is fortified by an anticipation of adventure. Making a new start. Meeting new people....I'm going somewhere I've only been twice, can barely navigate and have to learn to call home for an indefinite period of time. There's also a high crime rate in that area. Yee-ha. So, help me God! I'm so glad things wrapped this nicely, which is more than I hoped for...

Well, I best be getting to bed, and I suppose the last night in my bed should be a good one.
Jumping off a cliff-

-Meg

[Edited for mushy romantic content that no one who was friends with me in 2000 will want to read. If you want the full text, I'll show it to you sometime.]